Our beautiful Pink Chemo Warrior has surrendered the battlefield, but continues to fight. Over the last few weeks Roni’s condition has deteriorated, but she soldiered on. She is now too weak to stand and spends most of her time with her eyes closed, but not necessarily asleep. She does join conversations but is very tired, it has been a tough two and half year, 24 hour per day, 7 day a week struggle. With courage, dignity, and honor she waged a very personal war against this unrelenting killer. Our country does not award medals to these types of heroes, but Roni often commented that the love and admiration of her friends and family were compensation enough. She is an inspiration to so many.
Modern medicine does not have the tools to save our hero.
Last week when the palliative care doctor came to visit she suggested that Roni’s body was shutting down and it was time. I thought she was off her nut. She asked Roni if she was ready to quit chemo and received an adamant NO in reply. A day or so latter Shannon led me to a cancer website where Roni’s symptoms were laid out in the section about the final stage of cancer. My beautiful, loving, always sassy Irish lass is losing the battle.
I recall back when it was my mother’s time; I was the only sibling nearby. I went to hospital where Mom had lived for 12 years. Her mind had left years ago, her eyes no longer functioned and her hearing was likewise impaired. She had wasted away to about 60 lbs. Mom was a few months short of turning 90. I sat with her and held her hand for several hours and as the sun was setting I mustered up the courage to tell her it was ok for her to go on, we would be ok. I kissed her cheek and a single tear slipped from her eye. I was at peace with the situation. One evening last week after the house was quiet and we watch TV in bedroom I turned down the volume and told Roni, “It is OK for you to go, I will be fine. I will miss you terribly, but I’ll be OK.” Roni looked back at me with a little smile and said, “I love you.”
Roni had a close friend, Rae, visit Wednesday’s night but mostly kept her eyes closed, she occasionally struggled to ‘wake-up’ but each attempt was short-lived. At bedtime Roni struggled to swallow her evening pills and Thursday morning was worse. The palliative care doctor, nurse and a social worker arrived Thursday morning and switched her meds to injections.
Roni and I both have Living Wills and had discussed in depth what our personal choices are. At the onset of the metastasised cancer, having been told that there is no cure, Roni also completed and sign a Do Not Resuscitate Order. She asked to be allowed to die at home and so the doctor has also signed Intent to Die at Home Form. Her intent and desires are clear to me…no heroics. After a short discussion with the palliative care team I decided to cease chemo therapy and continue on with only end of life care. I thought my heart was being torn from my chest, but I am comfortable with the decision and her children agree with me, it is Roni’s time. Nature will be allowed to run it course.
Roni’s pain is well controlled and she is resting comfortably. She is capable of having visitors, in fact we would like people to come and talk with Roni. She can hear and understand and responds both verbally and with body language. She likes to hold hands. Perhaps you can share a memory, certainly a hug and even tears. These will all be a comfort to both Roni and us. Please, at this point if you have a cold, cough, etc. stay away. Finally, as Megz posted previously, this may not be the Roni you knew. This is a woman with final stage cancer, prepare yourself. Please phone first and we’ll tell a good time.
I want to thank all of Team Roni, you have all been so supportive of Roni and her loved ones. I also express my gratitude to Dr. Paul Klimo and the oncology team at Lions Gate Hospital, you gave my beloved more quality time, and I can’t thank-you enough. A very special thank-you to Roni’s children. Megz, Pat and Shanny; your love and support have kept us soldiering on, your all have your Mom’s fortitude. A super special thanks to Shannon; you have been a Godsend.
Your thoughts and prayers, visits, phone calls, cards and flowers are all appreciated. As Roni requested we will be doing a small memorial garden in the backyard, complete with bench should anyone wish to visit, so you may choose to sends seeds or plants for that. I believe we are a hardiness zone 8a.
Brian
